A Poem

Mike Writes a Poem of Repentance, Recovery, Triumph and Redemption.

“I fled Him down the nights and down the days,
I fled Him down the arches of the years,
I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways,
Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears,
I hid from him, and under running laughter.”
― Francis G. Thompson, The Hound of Heaven.


I had a little work related stress,
And my apartment was a mess.
My partner left town,
And my Internet was down.

I had a little anxiety
But no one could really help me,
As you will see.

I'll spare you the details
Of what I went through,
I just hope it never happens to you.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm sure they all meant well,
But my life became a living hell.

Despite all my troubles,
I want you to know
There is a very happy ending though.
But first I had to humble my pride
And give up all the anger
That I held inside.

Let's begin at the start,
When I used to think
That I was really smart.
So here goes --

"Sir, I've got a little work related stress,
And my apartment is a mess.
My partner left town,
and I'm feeling a little down."

"Let's try this and see
If it works for you.
Just to take the edge off
And relax you too."

I'm not trying to complain.
At least he gave what I had a name.
But why was I still in pain?

I wondered: Am I just
A chemical imbalance?
Don't I have a soul
And heart and talents?
Am I just a body to process,
Prod and measure,
To be used for other's
profit or pleasure?

I read where Freud and Adler
Would ponder and analyze,
And ask about people's family ties.
But I guess things have changed
Over the years.







When I told him of
My doubts and fears,
My hopes and dreams
And unused talents,
He talked of genes
And a chemical imbalance.

"Let's try this
And see if it works for you,
To take the edge off
And relax you too."

I went to the chaplain
And she was nice.
She prayed with me,
Stayed with me
And called me twice.

But why did she just
Want to comfort me?
Why couldn't anyone help me
Move forward and be free?

Everyone appeared
So helpful and kind,
But they couldn't help me
Leave my issues behind.


I found an Eastern philosophy
That spoke of peace,
Love and tranquility.

But when I accidentally
Made reference to Christ
I noticed a flash of hostility.

Something isn’t right
If just His name brings animosity.

I went back to the university.
It was a relief to talk about cultural diversity,
Instead of suffering and eternity.

Endless reading and study
Kept me occupied.
So I could continue to hide
From the pain and emptiness
I felt inside.

The rebellion and free
Lifestyles were inviting.
Football games and drinking
Were exciting.

But soon I saw the parties
At the frat house and sorority
Were just a juvenile rebellion
Against authority.


I heard talk that religion
Could set me free,
So I decided to see
If it would work for me.


I joined a church and went twice a week
Hoping to find the answers I seek.
I studied, I sang and I prayed,
But became more uneasy
The longer I stayed.

After the initial excitement wore off,
When I was home all by myself,
I had to admit
What I could tell no one else:

Something was missing.
It is hard to describe.
I still felt somehow empty inside.

Don't get me wrong.
It's nice to sing a song,
And memorize a Scripture or two.
But the effects wear off
When they are no longer new.

I found a group that was into
Acceptance and hugs.
They had drums and a guitar
(But of course no drugs).
There was clapping and singing,
And everyone swaying,
Positive thinking and lots of praying.

I don't want to be rude
But I had to conclude:
They were trying their best,
But like so many others,
They failed the test.

They were decent and friendly
and very nice guys,
But I saw the shallowness
They couldn’t disguise.

And no matter how hard people tried,
They couldn't fill the emptiness inside.
I wanted the answer
That would set me free,
To move forward and be a new me.

I began to grow weary
Of palliative prayer.
There just wasn't anything
Of substance there.

So I threw in the towel,
It was all beginning to sour.
I tried going back to
My weed and speed.
But now I could see
Drugging just wasn't for me.


I began to resent them all
For not being there for me --
First my dad then every other authority.

I resented them for their
Shallow concern for me,
For advice given condescendingly,
And their endless attempts
To motivate me.

I could not let go
Of judgment and resentment
Toward those who robbed me
Of my contentment.


I was full of contempt
For their weakness,
And anger over their pretense.
I resented everyone
For not having love for me.

I was filled with anger and blame,
It was plain to see.
But at least I was on the verge of seeing
What was really wrong with me.

Each day at the park
I watched the little kids play.
Full of happiness and joy
And never a bad day.

I pondered the difference
Between them and me.
And slowly I began to see.

That I was once like them
I had forgot.
"There's only one difference
Between them and me,
I am resentful
And they are not."

Thinking back to earlier years,
I began to see what started my fall
From joy to tears.

I resented my mom and
My dad, you see.
I especially resented my dad
For not being there for me.

I hated my life too and
Everything about myself,
And then it spread over the years
To everyone else.

I resented my partner,
My kids and my luck too.
My job, my boss, and
My God! Even You.

For everyone I wore a smile
But was resentful all the while.
Being secretly hostile
Seemed harmless at the time.
A way to judge others,
But pretend everything was fine.

It gave my ego satisfaction
That no one knew.
It was a secret reaction.
On the surface I wore a happy face,
but inside, I was a disgrace.

Now I finally saw why
I had felt anxious and uneasy so long,
Full of judgment and resentment,
I was basically wrong.


Now I was saddened
About what I had discovered:
About the hate and hostility
I had uncovered.

Yet I could not change myself,
Though regretting what I see.
So I was in a quandary.

Wanting to change
But not knowing how,
My dilemma was finally solved,
And I'll show you how.

When something about yourself you see,
That you would rather not be,
But you've found that struggle and trying
Just make things worse--

The solution is easy.
It is found in the following verse.

Just regret what you see about yourself.
Don't try to change with any effort.
Quietly bear the brief pain.
Just do that and nothing else.

It is God's light, which we call conscience,
That is making it possible for you to see.
God is present, and your sadness
Is because of His Light
In which you see.


When you know the sadness
Is your seeing in God's light,
It will be for you a comfort sublime.
The change you want will happen
In God's due time.

I walked around and was sad
About what I discovered.
But my innocence and sweetness
I had recovered.
So I just bore the pain
Without trying to change.

Soon I began to shed a tear
Over what I saw about myself.
I was sad, then glad, then relieved,
I must confess
To just come clean and
Let God clean up my mess.

I experienced something profound,
Repentance I had found.
Not of myself but of He.
God's light was repenting me.

It was like a purging of my wrong.
What I couldn't do for myself---
Bring about a healing catharsis--
He could do with firmness and kindness
Because He is gentle but strong.

First there is pain, followed by sadness,
Then the soul bursts into song,
Because I knew the quiet joy that He has
Forgiven me of my wrong.

After I was purged I was free to see
One by one, what was wrong with me.
Each time the same process:
First pain, then sadness, then relief.
Afterwards, I found joy and peace.

Every day a little pain to bear,
Regret, forgiveness and then
Joy without compare.

Each day the pain is less
But the wrong more subtle,
Seeing all the wrong inside
Bursts the ego's bubble.

One day there will be
No more wrong to see,
Just peace of mind
And a life of discovery.

Repentance is God’s way.
That’s why other people’s sympathy
May just delay the soul’s recovery,
When they comfort away the good pain
Of what conscience is trying to say.

Let God have His way.
Soon He will wipe away the tears,
And take away the hurt
From all those years.

God’s inner gentle light
Will make everything right.
Don’t try to struggle with effort.
Just wait to be repented,
And you will see
Repentance is God's plan
For your recovery.

The lesson is clear
You can't repent yourself.
Just be willing to be humbled,
And wait for God to draw near.

When you are not right inside
Pious words and gestures
Only build pride.
That’s why religious study
Will just make you feel guilty
Because of your hypocrisy.

With our faithless ego's short sight,
We think we have to make
Everything right
With effort and with might.
That is how our ego blocks
God's redeeming light.

Our biggest error is resenting His light
Or suppressing what is wrong
To keep it out of sight,
When we should be
Exposing it to the light.

Instead, just regret your wrong
Without trying to make yourself right,
Wait for repentance and
Change in the Light.




Here is a secret
True and profound:
When resentment is gone,
Love is there to be found.

God's love warms the soul
And takes away the need.
Now you can forgive others
For their misdeeds.

You always craved love from them
And resented them when
They didn't have it.
Now you know why
Others didn't have love--
Because they hadn't found it.

You see, they were victims too.
That's why they didn't
Have love for you.

So now you can make it
All unimportant.
And move on with living.

You have found the answer
And it is this:
To be more forgiving.

And when you forgive others
By dropping resentment,
God forgives you,
And you find peace
And contentment.